Of Despair, and Hope…

It’s weird how you can see a weird karmic cycle in a single day.

You wake up in the morning, and find out that something ended before it ever began. And then minutes later, you see a smiling face that gives you hope.

You go through half the day in a daze and realize you were upset, but you didn’t even realize it. You start to go into a blue funk. And then minutes later, you watch hope try to crawl.

You spend the entire day texting, trying to help in your own way,  while wondering how you could make this better. And then minutes later, you see pictures of hope from exactly a year ago, before this ever happened.

I am holding onto these little bits of hope.

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Dear A & N,

I can’t say anything to make this nightmare fade. I wish I could’ve made this right for you, the way you always did for me. I thought dancing was the hardest thing I’d ever do for you, but what a fool I was! I wish things were different, I wish you never had to go through anything like this ever, I wish, I wish, I wish…

I wish so many things, but mostly I wish you the strength you’ll need to get through this. Here’s sending you all the strength I’ve ever built up (I only ever learnt it from you, N), may it add to the immense strength you already have. 

Love always, me.

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Dear Childhood Friend…

Once upon a time, you were as much a part of my day to day life as my parents. You looked after me – after I got lost the first time I tried to get the school bus, you made sure to find me everyday. I looked up to you – you were the one who stopped the boys from teasing me. Your paintings inspired me to do better – the one time I was in the same category as you in the Bazm-e-alig art competition, I tried harder just because I wanted to see if I could do better than you. You taught me about inner strength – things went wrong, but you simply dealt with them and moved on. You were older, you could’ve been more bossy – you were always nice, and you taught me to be nice to all the younger kids. You’re the reason I taught myself HTML – we created a Geocities page together (I still remember picking ‘garbage’ directory because we both thought it was hilarious). You were the most cheerful, fun-loving, in-the-moment person I’ve known.

And yet, it’s weird how we didn’t really keep in touch after I moved. It’s weird how life just happened. We always caught up if we were in the same place at the same time, but we also went years without really talking. Once in a while we’d chat online, just to catch up for all the missing years. The last time we spoke, I was telling you about V, and how I hoped things would work out. I remember how you kept telling me that I was doing the right thing, that you are glad I took my time to figure things out. While we haven’t spoken much since, I always just assumed you’d be there in December. Just a few days ago, I was thinking of emailing you, to say you have to come because it’s been so long since we’ve met. I wish I’d written that email. I wish I’d pinged you to chat.

If I’d ever considered the situation where I was faced with such tragic news, about the Doha circle, the FIRST person I’d say I would call, is you. Because you were the strongest, the one who’d be the voice of reason, the one who I could just talk to. Except, now I can’t. I really, really wish I’d written that email. I really, really wished I’d pinged you to chat.

Childhood friend, I cannot think of a single important moment in my childhood that did not have you in it. I cannot even begin to list the ways in which you made me a better me. I wish I could tell you just how much you mean to me.

We didn’t keep in touch very much, but, I will still really, really miss you.